And the winner is....

Here it is... The winning tale! Story number two: Headbutts from an eighteen month old!*

He wanted a cookie, but he'd been misbehaving so I looked him in the eyes and firmly told him, "No cookie for you!"

He looked back at me with a petulant glare. "Me want cookie!"

I held my ground. "No cookie for you! You've been bad!"

He wailed, and then grabbed my arm and twisted it behind me. I countered by spinning around and throwing him against the couch. He made use of the springyness of the cushions and bounced back at me in an attempt to get me with a flying clothesline. I anticipated this move and stepped off to the side. As he flew past me, I readied my move... His eighteen month old eyes widened in realization that this was my finishing move. I brought my forehead forth with blinding speed, using his forward momentum to help add to the force of the mighty blow.

*CRACK*

The resulting collision echoed throughout the house as his body dropped to the floor. His eyes crossed, then unconsciousness took over. I was the victor and still champion! I got down to pin my victim, and suddenly I got smacked with an aluminum chair. I collapsed upon the ground, still managing to pin my opponent only to next get beaten repeatedly with a plastic Bam-Bam bat! I glanced over my shoulder to note that it was the nineteen month old! He came out of nowhere to avenge his partner's fall! Alas, it wasn't enough, for the count was completed, and I got declared the champion. I got the cookies and the milk; they got a nap.

And all was good in the world once again.


*this isn't the real story, it's only here for laughs right now. The real story comes later tonight or tomorrow.

Previously non-posted tidbits

Time to play "catch-up" and toss on a few items that I didn't post over here. Enjoy at your leisure!

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I love my father. Not only does he let me help out with tasks around the house, but he also calls up with inspirational messages.

Last week, I got this brilliant gem on my cellphone while I was at work. "Son, how many girls called you today? Zero? And how many girls called you yesterday? Lemme guess: zero? Well, you know what they say, son. Zero plus zero equals FAG! Zero times any other number always equals FAG! Think about it, ya little mathematician." My father has always been great. He drank for the government you know! And he remembered what I went to school for. I love my daddy.

Here's the one I got last night! Daddy got me a gift! "Hey, son, you know how you've been bugging me to go and get you a puppy? Well, today after work, I went out and I bought you one. But on the way home, I got hungry and I ate him! I'm joking; I'd never buy you a puppy." What a silly daddy!

* the above does not represent my father in any way... Except for the boat story; that really happened. The rest I lifted from the Kids In The Hall. God bless Canada, and also men in skirts.

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So, is there anyone out there that does dream analysis? I had a rather wacky dream this morning. Would you like to hear about it? Tough shit, you're hearing it anyway.

*insert wavy lines and noises signifying dream-state recollection is being entered*

I was on an international flight to Australia. I don't know why I was flying out there; maybe it was to kidnap a koala and to visit Zordana, Mister 4, and Anumati (even though she's in New Zealand). Or maybe it was to kidnap those three folks and visit a koala. I don't know. All I know is that I was flying out to the Land Down Under. The plane came in for a landing, and as soon as it stopped, we were told to stay in our seats. Apparently Australia had legalized marijuana and they weren't sharing it with anyone that wasn't living there. All foreigners were not to be let in, and this was demonstrated by the flight attendants pointing to an image on the in-flight movie screen of Australia getting a wall built up around the shorelines. We were then told that we'd be put on another plane that'd take us someplace else, as of yet to be specified but wouldn't be back to the US. Everybody was perfectly alright with this... Except for me. I told one of the stewardesses that I needed to find a plane back home. She said that I'd find one at the Sydney airport, but due to the restrictions, I couldn't get there. An argument ensued that lasted several minutes and entertained the rest of the passengers and crew. Needless to say, I lost and couldn't convince them to let me get on the plane back to the US. They did offer some consolation, though. I would be allowed to get on another plane that was flying to Japan, then fly from there back home. At that point, I found myself on the plane leaving Japan with a really cute Japanese girl sitting next to me. Once the "Fasten Seatbelt" light turned off, she looked at me and said two words: Mile High. She then got up and worked her way towards the back of the plane as beeping permeated througout the plane...

*insert wavy lines and noises signifying dream-state recollection is being exited*

At this point, you could guess that my alarm went off and pulled me out of the dream. I was pissed. This was the first dream that I'd remembered in quite a while, and I was gonna get some too! *FRUSTRATION*

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Must dwell upon what to have as my next somewhat substantial entry...

What should I tell you guys about? Choose from the following:

1) A salute to The Red Hot Chili Peppers, and nakedness!
2) Headbutts from an eighteen month old!
3) Initiating the new guy... the "gay" way!
4) Flustering the nuns the way a six-year old shouldn't!

Maybe you've got a suggestion for something other than the above. If so, suggest it! Vote now; vote often! Whichever choice gets the most votes will be told as the next Ned story!

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I stole this from Goatsniper, who stole it from Lang. Fear my rod!!!!! Especially if your name is Steve.

Your Homicidal Rampage! by crash_and_burn
Your name:
Weapon of Choice:	AOL Trial CDs
Your Favorite Target:	People named "Steve"
Your Kill Count:	92,732,126
Your Battle Cry:	"Allow me to molest your face with this rod!"
Years You Spend in Jail:	36
How Much Money In Damages You Cause:	$203,828,871,148,265
Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 61%
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your Homicidal Rampage! by crash_and_burn
Your name:
Weapon of Choice:	Coke bottles
Your Favorite Target:	Men
Your Kill Count:	712,430,239
Your Battle Cry:	"Touch me, I'm happy!"
Years You Spend in Jail:	16
How Much Money In Damages You Cause:	$154,935,196,006,669
Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 73%
Quiz created with MemeGen!

I'm still waiting for more votes regarding my previous post. Keep voting, and once this Friday hits, I'll let you know which got the most votes. In the case of a tie, the world ends and we all die. So vote often! Multiple votes within one comment do not count.

**Damn the fact that I don't know HTML in order to make the tables above show properly... You have to highlight the tables in order to see the rest of the text.

Proven wrong...

Yes, it turns out there are a few others that do read this. Unfortunately, without comments, it's difficult for me to know if people are accessing it without some sort of counter.

I may have to go back to updating both blogs instead of just having my Xanga blog.

I think I'll have to copy a few of my other posts over here too... Just to provide additional reading pleasure. Or pain.

Does anyone read this?????

I'd think not, other than Uncle Timmy and those of Sunspot. Henceforth, I shall maintain my Xanga site and post there. Wish to read what I have there? Click here and join The Cult Of Ned and become a follower! Or just read it and chuckle.

Love Potion Number.... Five?

I have to blame Kallikrates for this, and the resultant use of seriousness that is going to be shown. She had a number of quizzes on her recent blog, and out of sheer boredom at work, I took one. I needed to find out what my Love Number was, and no, it's not pi or 69.

Your Love Number is

5 You're very open minded, and you could see yourself in any number of interesting relationships. And being extremely independent, anyone you're with has to give you space. You approach new lovers like they are a subject, learning everything about them. But once you've "mastered" a new person, you often feel like exploring some one else!

What Is Your Love Number?

Now I can see the first two comments applying to me, especially the independent aspect. That's one of the reasons why I ended my last relationship. As for approaching new lovers as a 'subject', I don't know if that's exactly true. I am cautious when getting into a relationship. Shit, I'm cautious even before there's even a chance for a relationship. But I do like to know what I'm getting into and try to make sure that I don't jump into anything blindly. Do I learn everything I can about them? No, because it also takes a lot of the surprise and discovery out of the beginning of the relationship.

But the "mastering" of a person line... that's just, I don't know, wrong? Let's theorize here. Let's say you've found someone with whom things click in a very good way. You know damned near everything about them. In essence, you could say that you've "mastered" them, and that's without even having to use the Konami code (sorry, needed to toss in a touch of wry humor). Do you need to "explore" someone else in order to "master" them? FUCK NO! You're in a relationship that you enjoy and it meets your and your significant other's needs. If you need to go out and find someone else, then it's not a good relationship. You'll probably have also found out that it wasn't a good relationship to be in before the "mastering" took place, and gotten the flying fuck out of such a relationship.

In summary, when it comes to relationships I am open-minded and rather independent. I do like to know what I'm getting into, but still like some mystery. And I'm loyal, you fuckers. I'm not likely to leave once I've found everything out about you. I'll leave if it ain't working, though. And this is after discussion is had and attempts are made.

Damnit. To get a bit of seriousness out of me, it looks like all one needs is one of these web quizzes that doesn't describe me to a tee, and I have to go tear it apart via self-justification. Maybe the funny will come back for my next post.