Previously non-posted tidbits
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I love my father. Not only does he let me help out with tasks around the house, but he also calls up with inspirational messages.
Last week, I got this brilliant gem on my cellphone while I was at work. "Son, how many girls called you today? Zero? And how many girls called you yesterday? Lemme guess: zero? Well, you know what they say, son. Zero plus zero equals FAG! Zero times any other number always equals FAG! Think about it, ya little mathematician." My father has always been great. He drank for the government you know! And he remembered what I went to school for. I love my daddy.
Here's the one I got last night! Daddy got me a gift! "Hey, son, you know how you've been bugging me to go and get you a puppy? Well, today after work, I went out and I bought you one. But on the way home, I got hungry and I ate him! I'm joking; I'd never buy you a puppy." What a silly daddy!
* the above does not represent my father in any way... Except for the boat story; that really happened. The rest I lifted from the Kids In The Hall. God bless Canada, and also men in skirts.
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So, is there anyone out there that does dream analysis? I had a rather wacky dream this morning. Would you like to hear about it? Tough shit, you're hearing it anyway.
*insert wavy lines and noises signifying dream-state recollection is being entered*
I was on an international flight to Australia. I don't know why I was flying out there; maybe it was to kidnap a koala and to visit Zordana, Mister 4, and Anumati (even though she's in New Zealand). Or maybe it was to kidnap those three folks and visit a koala. I don't know. All I know is that I was flying out to the Land Down Under. The plane came in for a landing, and as soon as it stopped, we were told to stay in our seats. Apparently Australia had legalized marijuana and they weren't sharing it with anyone that wasn't living there. All foreigners were not to be let in, and this was demonstrated by the flight attendants pointing to an image on the in-flight movie screen of Australia getting a wall built up around the shorelines. We were then told that we'd be put on another plane that'd take us someplace else, as of yet to be specified but wouldn't be back to the US. Everybody was perfectly alright with this... Except for me. I told one of the stewardesses that I needed to find a plane back home. She said that I'd find one at the Sydney airport, but due to the restrictions, I couldn't get there. An argument ensued that lasted several minutes and entertained the rest of the passengers and crew. Needless to say, I lost and couldn't convince them to let me get on the plane back to the US. They did offer some consolation, though. I would be allowed to get on another plane that was flying to Japan, then fly from there back home. At that point, I found myself on the plane leaving Japan with a really cute Japanese girl sitting next to me. Once the "Fasten Seatbelt" light turned off, she looked at me and said two words: Mile High. She then got up and worked her way towards the back of the plane as beeping permeated througout the plane...
*insert wavy lines and noises signifying dream-state recollection is being exited*
At this point, you could guess that my alarm went off and pulled me out of the dream. I was pissed. This was the first dream that I'd remembered in quite a while, and I was gonna get some too! *FRUSTRATION*
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Must dwell upon what to have as my next somewhat substantial entry...
What should I tell you guys about? Choose from the following:
1) A salute to The Red Hot Chili Peppers, and nakedness!
2) Headbutts from an eighteen month old!
3) Initiating the new guy... the "gay" way!
4) Flustering the nuns the way a six-year old shouldn't!
Maybe you've got a suggestion for something other than the above. If so, suggest it! Vote now; vote often! Whichever choice gets the most votes will be told as the next Ned story!
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I stole this from Goatsniper, who stole it from Lang. Fear my rod!!!!! Especially if your name is Steve.
I'm still waiting for more votes regarding my previous post. Keep voting, and once this Friday hits, I'll let you know which got the most votes. In the case of a tie, the world ends and we all die. So vote often! Multiple votes within one comment do not count.
**Damn the fact that I don't know HTML in order to make the tables above show properly... You have to highlight the tables in order to see the rest of the text.
posted by Toxic Ned at 12:02 PM
1 Comments:
I like to fight with my wife.
She uses Chainsaw, I use a Knife
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